Oh, success..

It’s crazy to me that women can spend their whole lives planning and preparing for such a thing and still not feel “ready” when its time.

The reality is that Motherhood isn’t something you will ever be ready for. You wont know what to expect. Your mother’s experience wont be yours, so no amount of stories or even watching her could give you the skills.

As a girl who grew up without her mother’s guidance, I immediately pulled myself of the ring long before I was of age to fight. At 9, while girls were pretend playing with dolls and strollers, well.. it was my reality. I was the oldest child so changing the diapers of my younger siblings was a nonnegotiable, being left with them to handle their tantrums all while developing my own emotions was normal. It was at the age that i grew to know “my feelings didn’t matter” or at least we didn’t have enough time in the day for them to matter. I had to focus on one thing at a time. 

I remember calling my grandma, Barb ( who eventually became my guardian ) and asking her “what do you do if she wont stop crying”. We laugh about that phone call still to this day because its one of many but the one I remember vividly, as if it was yesterday.

Because this was my reality, by the time I was in high school and girls were thinking about their future husbands and how many kids they would have. You remember the game “M.A.S.H” — I can’t tell you what it stood for but i do remember you’d write the amount of kids you wanted, the dream career, three of your crush and you’d be able to do the math and it would select who’d you’d marry, how many kids you’d have, and what you’d do for a living.

I never participated. Because I didn’t want kids, I wanted nothing to do with marriage, and I ready knew id be successful.. no paper could tell me otherwise lol

When you’d been given “big girl” responsibilities all of your life, the last thing you would do is sign up for lifelong of responsibilities. My dream was to be successful: a successful entrepreneur who also worked the corporate world and had the big girl office. I dreamed of traveling alone.. to countries and staying abroad months at a time. To me, at 16.. that was success.

But listen, what I didn’t know is that at 18 success would look like leaving a group of friends who no longer served me. Being the leader of a pack but knowing everyone around would bite your head off to have your spot wasn’t “success”.

Giving your life to Christ, and I mean your whole life after turning 21 would now be considered success.

Praying and fasting become your norm, was now success.

Marrying your middle school sweetheart at 23 and purchasing your first home, that was success.

Randomly forming a new friendship with a girl, because sisterhood IS your portion.

At 25, selling your home and moving to a new state with the love of your life, that’s success.

A few months later praying with your husband about being “ready” to become parents only for God to bless your womb immediately after.

At 26, having your daughter who not only healed so many parts of you but allowed you to dream again and now you see life without village and people as a life you want no parts of. 

At 27, remembering the prayers and dreams God shared with you and knowing your son would come next - only for him to be born 15months later.

I dreamed that I would have a daughter and a son, they seemed close in age and although I couldn’t tell who was the oldest, my prayer was always that I would have a daughter first and a son immediately after.

You see, what I know now at 29 is that becoming a mother - is success.

Two beautiful pregnancies and postpartum experiences, an amazing partner to be on the journey with and being trusted to care for two of Gods children.

No matter how “ill-equipped” I felt, Motherhood is my portion and I can’t see a life without it.

So, when you see me mothering.. no I'm not trying to be perfect or live up to the standards of the world. I simply look at my life and realize that God knows better than me and because of that Im grateful. It’s my responsibility to steward this season, and steward it well. 

He knew all along the life he envisioned for me, and everything I’ve experienced has prepared me for this moment. 

Because the truth is, everything we need.. we already have and what we dont have, we dont need. God’s hand is on every mother.. in every season.

SO whatever season of motherhood you are in, I pray that you remember that not only has God went before you.. where you are now, he knew you’d be.

That alone is comfort in knowing that you can be where your feet are. God has trusted you with your child/children.

You are blessed mama.